Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
