I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
