Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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