the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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