I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
