i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize