You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
