U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
