I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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