May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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