There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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