i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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