oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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