TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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