my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
