ya dads aren't the best wingmen
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
