Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
