dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
