I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
