Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
