so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
