Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
