Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
