I'd wear matching sweaters with you
someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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