Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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