I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize