2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
