i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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