I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
no you cant smoke seaweed
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
