She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
