i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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