Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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