some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
