and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
