it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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