I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
