Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
