I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
