Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
