whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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