he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
