I never want to see another naked old woman again.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
