woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
