the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize