i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
