My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
