ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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