you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
