Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
