just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
