At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Is Oprah even human
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
