Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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