he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hello my rib-scented angel!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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