hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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