My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
