well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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