put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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