I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
