Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
